Friday, May 27, 2005

You Know It's Gonna Be Bad

While hunting around for more nurseblogs, I came across a website made by a nurse that she closed (you get a message that says "It's been fun, but this website is now closed"). She had some funny things on there that I copied to put here so they weren't lost. Some of these have authors, some don't, and where I saw one mentioned I will give credit. I know I've seen a few of these lists before but many of you may have not, so here is the first one. Feel free to add to the list using the comments. - HK

You Know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when:

You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.

The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.

Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.

The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet."

Your next patient has maggots but isn't dead.

The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.

The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The Department is completely empty and one of the off-going shift says, "It's been that way all night, hope you have a quiet day!"

No one remembered to buy coffee.

You have writers' cramp and still have 7 hours of the shift left.

The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus was placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.

You get a subpoena for a lawsuit a on a patient that walked out of the department against medical advice two years ago. You can only hope that is what the attorney wants to talk about.

The Hospital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."

In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.

The paramedics who offered to go out and pick up lunch (and coffee) just advised over the radio they have witnessed a motor vehicle accident involving a transit bus versus a minivan. "Stand by for update."

It's the first day for the new medical interns, paramedic and nursing students all at the same time.

The paramedics tell you the patient you just received with a closed head injury, flail chest, and positive belly tap is in "much better shape than the one still being cut out of the minivan."

You hear there is an influenza epidemic traveling like wild fire through the local convalescent homes.

The psychiatric patient's delusions are beginning to make sense.

© 1999 by Jerry Fandel.

Added by HypnoKitten:
Your charge nurse asks if you know how to use Qwell.

Your next patient's wife introduces herself as one of the Board of Directors of the Hospital.

A cancer patient who wanted to die at home became unresponsive and agonal breathing, so the family called 911 and decided to make him a full code.

The police bring you a drunk because they don't know what else to do with him.

In the waiting room, the lady who's daughter may have broken her wrist is screaming at you because you let the sweaty man with chest pain and history of MI go back before her.

The charge nurse asks if you have any trouble swallowing really big pills.
Posted by HypnoKitten at 7:52 PM

Blogger NurseWilliam, at 7:40 PM  

Got one for you.

You know it's gonna be bad when the entire surgical schedule is GI and every patient on the floor is on Colyte.

Blogger HypnoKitten, at 12:41 AM  

*shudders at the thought* Ugh!

Blogger NurseWilliam, at 1:06 AM  

Been there. Done That. Not Pretty. No Breaks. There goes Room 3312 again... ARRRRGHHHHH!

Anonymous Delia, at 12:48 AM  

About the 'maggot' joke.... I once worked on a trauma unit in a major teaching hospital that used maggots to clean certain types of wounds. It wasn't often, but it works surprisingly well.

They may still use them there - it's completely painless, it's cheap, it's clean (they're grown specifically for that purpose, not scooped up out of roadkill or anything like that), and they don't harm the healthy tissue on the margins.

Has anyone else seen maggots used clinically for wound care? It sounds terrible, but it really works.

Blogger HypnoKitten, at 1:49 PM  

One of our med/surg instructors was a certified wound care nurse, and she showed us a lot of photos and video of both maggots and leeches being used. She doesn't like leeches, but figured she had to show them to us anyway :)

I think the thing about having maggots but not being dead refers more to the sort of patient in the photos on the sidebar link under Links of Interest called "Maggot Brain". Go check that out. :P

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